Carrying On
by hereistheplaceiloveyou
Summary: Post Mockingjay, starts right about when Katniss learns she is pregnant. Please R&R, my lovelies. Rating it T, simply because it is The Hunger Games.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome, Welcome. The time has come to- Oh wait, wrong story. This is Post Mocking Jay. I am going to go back and write what happened before this, but this part starts about when Katniss finds out she is pregnant. I am naming this post mockingjay since it will no be complete. I would have this on but it won't let me log on. Not sure why. When I post this with a new title, I am going back to before. I just am inspired for this part right now. **

**Anyways, here we go!**

I am a despicable person. I am selfish. I am terrible. Yet, I can do nothing about it. I could try, but what are actions without meaning behind them? Nothing. And this is an action that cannot be taken lightly. I cannot simply bring a child into this world. The thought is detestable to me, but Peeta wants children badly.

Of course, He tells me he doesn't now. After he realized how badly I feared even the idea, he stopped pressing the idea, but I know the truth.

I have never deserved Peeta. Not once in my life. Especially now that I cannot give him the one thing he has ever asked of me. Why did he have to ask this though? I think back to the days before the games. Even then I swore I would never have children.

Peeta told me not to worry. There are no Hunger Games, the Capitol is gone. What do I have to fear? I have so much to fear. I cannot bear to put someone through the pain I faced. I cannot bear to love another person- what if they were taken from me? There are too many what ifs, too many cons that outweight the pros.

I look over at Peeta as he bakes. I am sitting at the table in the kitchen. He looks back at me and smiles. I smile back at him. He always says that I have no idea the effect I can have, but I am certian the effect he has on me is much greater. Unfortunatley, that is not enough to break me of my selfish choices. I do not know how this man can bear to love me. He has for so long. He has loved me through everything. Always. And I love him too. But love means sacrifice, so I must not show love very well.

Suddenly the guilt of what I forbidden him from hits me. Peeta must see my discomfort because he is immediatly asking me what is wrong.

"I'm so sorry, Peeta!" I choke out through my sobs.

"What are you talking about, Katniss?" he askes me. Just like him. To act as if I am all innocent

"I'm sorry that I am so selfish! I cannot even give you the one thing you have wanted most!" I almost yell at him. It is easier to be angry than to be sad.

"I am still not following you..." He says, but I don't believe him. He knows exactly what I mean. But of course, this is Peeta we are talking about. I sigh at myself. Why am I trying to put fault on him? I am the despicable one here.

"If...if it is what you want, then I am ready. We can start a family." I state stoically.

His eyes widen at the prospect and I can see his exciment. It is cute, yet hits me with another round of guilt. "Only if you are ready, Katniss. We don't have to." He tells me. I can almost here the dissapointment edging his voice when he says that. He doesn't want to say it but, he does because he is Peeta Mellark. And for some reason it has taken me until now to realize he desreves this. No, that isn't right. It has taken me until now to stop being selfish.

"It's what I want," I say, but I almost want to pull them back. It is at that moment we smell the burning bread. Peeta dashes towards our oven, but it is too late and the bread has begun to turn black. In his exciment (and my fear), we have dismissed such a simple thing. He begins to laugh, and seeing him do so immediatly cheers me up. Sometimes a little comic relief is good, I think as a laugh along with him. As I see him holding the tray with burnt bread I am brought back to thoughts of another day.

"I love you, Peeta. Real." I tell him, and when he says it back, I accept I have made the right decision.

**DISCLAIMER: I am not Suzanne, I have no rights to this story.**


	2. Chapter 2

**One Month Later**

A month passed since the day when I decided to try and be a good person. Today, it has come back to hit me.

It started a few days ago. I was standing in the new doctors office they built after the rebellion. I suppose it isn't actually new anymore, but it feels that way. It was supposed to be a normal yearly checkup, which I never saw much point in, but Peeta always made me go. I knew I needed to go then, though. I hadn't even told Peeta I was going. I had been slighlty ill. Not ill enough to normally need a doctors visit, but, this was no ordinary sickness. After a few tests had been done, I hurried home. Unfortunatly, there was no rush on my case as others. I nervously paced the house when Peeta was gone and tried my hardest to cover it up when he was. Sometimes I went to the woods to avoid him.

Then today, they called me back. They told me the words that took all my breath away.

"Mrs. Mellark, you are pregnant!"

The doctor's voice was too cheery. He obviously did not understand the problem with this situation. I couldn't be pregnant. I had just promised Peeta to try. I wasn't expecting to be expecting. I feel to the floor and began sobbing. There was another life growing in me. One I don't think I have the strength to care for. I carried on for several minutes when I heard the doctor's voice on the phone.

"Mrs. Mellark, are you okay? Mrs. Mellark?" He was asking me repeatedly. I managed to compose myself enough to reassure him I was fine and hangup before I began sobbing again. My entire body was shaking. When I believed I was all cried out, I checked the time. 5:15, Peeta was probably on his way home by now, since the bakery closed at 5. I hurried up to the bathoom and erased any sign of my tears. Now I had a new problem to deal with. I couldn't let Peeta see me cry over this. I couldn't be selfish anymore.

Sitting on the bed, I tried to compose myself. It wasn't something I could really ignore. This...thing..no, that isn't the right word, but baby doesn't seem right either, this...human...was growing inside me. Peering out the window, I could see Peeta walking down the road to Victor's Village. I still had time because, no doubt, he would stop by to check on Haymitch first. Maybe Haymitch could help me figure this out. There was no way I was going to be able to tell Peeta yet.

There I was again being selfish. I could see Peeta walking onto Haymitch's porch. His hair was slightly tousled from work, and I can imagine he still has flecks of flour on his arms, although he was too far to see. Seeing him this far was hard enough, what would I do when he stepped into the door? I had to keep my resolve. I thought back to our first games, which was never a good idea, to when he told me I was a terrible liar. He was right about that. I don't know how I could lie. He was too good to lie to. I was only able to do so for his protection. Maybe I could lie, though. Would this protect him? It would, I suppose. He hated seeing me cry, and I most certainly would if I told him today. There. Problem solved. I walked downstairs to greet Peeta. Might as well be as normal as I could. Even though we had be married for years now, I could not get over the way his eyes light up when he sees me after work. It reminds me of how my father and mother looked at me. Instead of leaving me upset, like thoughts of my father usually did, but this makes me feel warm. That is until I remember the pain when he left me, and the fact I have a child of my own growing inside me. The fears are brushed away momentarily when Peeta takes me into his arms and kisses my head.

"Hello, Katniss. How was your day?" He asks me.

"Oh, pretty good. Same old, same old." I tell him, then add, "and yours?"

"Much better now that I am with you." He tells me as we walk into the house. As we walk through the thresh hold I find myself wanting to break down again. This cannot be happening. I am not ready, and I will not be ready in 8 months. I don't even know what to expect. A call to my mother goes on the list along with Haymitch. The list of people I have to tell before I can tell my own husband. I look up and notice he is staring at me. He looks concerned Have I already been that obvious? I smile reassuringly at him which seems to satisfy him for the moment.

We head into the kitchen, like always. Peeta lays his bag on the counter and turns to face me.

"So, my darling, what will it be for dinner?" He asks. Greasy Sae now works in the market that was recently built. She is getting older, but hasn't lost any of her fiestyness. Now, I make dinner when I can, but I lack cooking skills, so Peeta has been teaching me.

"Whatever you want, my love." I toss back. I have never been one to use petnames, so I put extra emphasis on the 'my love' to give the room a joking feel. That is what I need. Peeta realizes and chuckles at me.

"Oh, my wonderful beautiful Katniss, whatever your heart desires shall be yours!" He says dramatically, getting down on one knee and peering up at me.

"My only wish, my heart, is for you to have what you desire!" I respond in an equally dramatic tone before I burst into laughter. I have noticed that anything can make you laugh when you really need one, and I certianly do. Peeta is laughing as well as he picks me up and carries me to the living room. He sets me down on the couch and sits next to me. He turns on the television to some new show about cooking.

"Oh, look at our luck, just for us!" Peeta remarks as he pulls me closer. I snuggle up to him. Even if he doesn't know why, his comfort is much needed right now. On the show they are making some sort of chicken recipe. Normally, we don't eat chicken. We just eat whatever I catch on the woods. The food is fresh that way, and I have something to do while Peeta is away. I look up to Peeta and see he is intently watching the show. I chuckle slighty and he turns to look at me.

"Why are you so giggly today?" He asks me, almost laughing himself.

"I'm just happy. Happy to be with you." I tell him. The first part is a bold faced lie, but I am happy to be with Peeta. Currently, even Peeta isn't making me happy though. Is it possible to be happy at a moment like this? I don't think so.

"Well, I am happy to be with you too." He tells me, and then places a kiss on top of my head. I almost sigh, but manage to keep it in. I suddenly feel very tired. A mix of my emotions today, keeping up a front, and -could I possibly be getting symptoms?- have made me feel exhausted and we haven't even had dinner. As Peeta watches the channel, no doubt taking note of every step as to learn how to make a new dish, I close my eyes and rest on his shoulder.

**Le Disclaimer: Je ne suis pas Suzanne Collins. I am not Suzanne Collins, so i has le no rights.**


	3. Chapter 3

When I wake up, I am screaming. I am almost shocked. I haven't had nightmares this bad in a long time. Peeta's arms are already holding me, and he is whispering comfort into my ear.

"Shh, Katniss, it's okay. It's okay, Katniss. I'm here. It was just a nightmare. It wasn't real." He tells me. After I can breathe again, I turn to look at him. "What was it about? You haven't had one in so long." he asks me. How could I tell him? I had imagined our child, who is still growing, dying a million terrible deaths, and myself unable to reach the child. Every time I reached the new baby, it was already dead. This is why I never wanted this. Peeta wipes a tear off of my face as he waits for an answer. What do I tell him?

"I don't remember anymore. Thank you for helping me." I tell him.

"Always." He says. I am taken aback by these words. It is a simple word, but so full of meaning to us. I manage to smile at him. We lie back down, and I can hear Peeta's breath slow as he falls asleep. Of course, sleep does not find me. Every time I close my eyes, I see the visions from my nightmares. I sigh and slowly move myself from Peeta's grasp as to not wake him. As I leave the room, I see he is still asleep, and then slip down the stairs. I am not sure where to go. I decide on the only place that I have always felt same in, excluding Peeta's arms. The woods.

I write a small note and leave it on the table just in case, and put on my fathers coat and my old boots. I check the time before leaving and see it is barley past ten. I ponder why I feel rested when I remember I must have fallen asleep last night and Peeta must have brought me to bed. That explains the rumbling in my stomach as well. Before I go, I grab a few slices of the cheese bread-which has always been my favorite- and a flashlight then head out the door.

The new streetlights light up the path to the woods. There is an entire pathway to the meadow, but barely anyone goes there. It is a graveyard, after all. I shudder when I see the meadows hill come into view. It is strangely ominous at night. As I approach the woods, I see a figure standing right on the edge of the woods. I suppose it is someone who needs a walk, just as I do, or maybe some teenager wanting to get away from their parents. I almost consider going back, but I decide I can just say hello, and enter into my sanctuary. It isn't as if they are invading it. I see it is a boy, or really a man, as I get closer. Perhaps I should be afraid approaching a man I do not know in the middle of the night, but he doesn't know I am a Victor, I am strong, and my bow and arrow are stashed in the tree right beside him. Not that he seems to be out for harm anyway. He turns around as I approach.

I gasp. It's Gale.

"Hey, Catnip." He says, grinning.

"Gale?" I hiss at him.

"Oh Katniss, I suppose I shouldn't have expected a wonderful welcome home. It is you after all, but I must ask, what are you doing out here so late? Oh, I suppose I should tell you why I am here first. I actually was working up the nerve to come see you tomorrow, but I am in District 12 for business. You see, in District 2, I moved up on the chain. I am now working to establish military units in each District, while creating treaties to prevent fighting." The way he says the last part I can tell he is thinking of the lives he cost. One name flashes into my head, but I push it away. It hurts to much to think of her. It is the entire reason I stopped talking to Gale. I would not be able to bear it. The moon lights up his face slightly, and I can see is hair is neatly trimmed, and besides that and a few signs of aging, he doesn't look much different from the boy who was once my best friend. He continues to look at me and I realize I haven't answered him yet. I don't really owe him an answer. I do not owe him anything, yet something makes me answer.

"I just needed some fresh air." I tell him. He nods with understanding. I notice him staring at my hands as I wring them tightly. Then something registers on his face and I realize he has seen my wedding ring. My wedding ring is a simple silver band inscribed with the word, "Always." My engagement ring is a band adorned my the pearl Peeta gave to me in the Quarter Quell. I watch Gale's face and try to make out the emotions that pass over it, but they pass to quickly before he coughs. "So, you and Peeta?" He asks. When I nod, he continues, "I always knew you two would end up together." He admits

"Wait, why are you here?" I demand, "Not in District 12, but in the woods?" His eyes suddenly seem sad, even though only moonlight makes them visible.

"I wanted to remember."

I understand what he is saying. Every once in a while, I would return to our spot. I would wonder what we would have become had that bomb not gone off. Now, I wonder what will become of us now. I cannot simply forget I saw him.

"Katniss? Could I come see you tomorrow? So we could talk?" He asks me.

"I-I'm not sure if that is a good idea, Gale." I tell him. Finally, I am being honest today.

He sighs, "I figured you would say that. But just hear me out, okay? I miss you, and I don't think it would be right to just pretend we never saw each other." He tells me. I consider this in my head. What could it hurt?

"Okay." I tell him, "but I am going home now." I say, turning on my heels, and walking away.

DISCLAIMER: I do not have rights to The Hunger Games Series.


	4. Chapter 4

When I arrive back home, I step into the kitchen. There will be no getting back to sleep. I throw away the note I wrote to Peeta, seeing that he stayed asleep. I sit on the couch and begin to debate what to do next. How do I tell Peeta I am pregnant? Do I tell him about Gale? This is all very confusing because Peeta is the one I am used to discussing this all with. I decide to tell him about Gale for now. I think he would be hurt if he found out and knew I hadn't told him. This I can handle. Well, I can handle telling Peeta about it.

I look down at my stomach. It has not grown yet, as I am only a month along, but I can already feel the hardening of my belly. I think I remember this is one of the signs of a pregnancy. Then there is the morning sickness- when does that start? Mood swings, cravings, and more do not seem like fun things to haunt me the next 8 months, but I can live with these. What I am not sure I can live with is the fear. Again it racks my body as I see terrible images and hear children scream.

This news and Gale's presence bring Prim back into my head. As I see here burst into flames behind my eyelids I begin to sob. I do not realize until Peeta is holding me again that I have been sobbing. It must have been quite loudly if Peeta had heard me from upstairs, or possibly he had woken up before. I turn into his arms and cry into his chest. His arms are warm and strong. They are exactly what I need. He is murmuring to me and stroking my hair. After a while, I finally calm down and he hands me the box of tissues. I wipe my eyes and look into his. Those blue eyes are filled with worry.

"Katniss, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" He asks me. Do I? No, I want to say, but decide against it. That would upset him more than he already is.

"Oh, Peeta, after my nightmare I went outside for some air. And I saw him. I saw Gale." I tell him. Of course, this is not the whole truth, but he will understand one reason for my tears. One simple name that I thought I have been healed from, but has now opened like a fresh wound.

"Why was he here?" He asks me.

"Some business work with the military, I am not certian." I say. Peeta, who is normally so good with words, looks unsure of what to say. He knows my mix of feelings that go along with Gale. What he must not know is how I feel about Gale's presence.

"Well..." he begins, clicking his tongue, "what do _you_want to do?" He asks me.

"I don't know. I want to have never seen him, but that can't happen. Do you think I should talk to him? He asked me to talk to him tomorrow. He wants to fix things, I guess. I told him okay because I didn't know what to say, Did I do the wrong thing? I'm worried, Peeta. When I see him...I think of...her" I tell him. Peeta understands. His blue eyes study me as I look up to him waiting for a response. I wonder if Peeta think it odd that I am so upset over this, or if he suspects that there is something else.

"I think it would be impossible for you to not talk. That would make things worse. Now, if you talk, you can mend up some of the hurting you both have. If he upsets you too much, you can leave. I would stay here, but I have a feeling you would prefer me gone for this. It is going to be okay, Katniss. We always make it through, you and I. Remember, I love you and you love me. Together we can figure it out. So, go, talk to him, and then you can decide where to go from there."

Hearing this, I sigh a breath of relief. Peeta really does always know what to say. I almost want to tell help the main reason for my tears, but something stops me again. I am not ready to accept the fact I am pregnant yet. Thinking those words reminds me of when I was 17 and going to my 2nd Hunger Games and Peeta told all of Panem I was pregnant. Of course it was a lie, but now it is not. 15 years have passed almost, and now I really am. 15 years and I am still completely not ready for motherhood.

"Thank you, Peeta. You always help me make decisions. I am so happy I have you." I tell him.

He is still holding me in his arms, and when I kiss him, just for a moment all my anxiety passes away.


	5. Chapter 5

I awake early the next morning. Even early for me. There is about an hour left until sunrise, so I decide to go downstairs and attempt a recipe Peeta tried to convince me was easy. Hopefully, the accomplishment will put me in a better mood.

I flip through the recipes, trying to decide which one sounds like something I could actually succeed in making. None of it looks easy, and I cannot even guess how to pronounce the words like, "quiche." I settle with closing my eyes and picking a random item out. The card is titled "Crepes." I check to ensure we have all the ingredients, and we do because it is, in fact, a rather simple recipe. We even have strawberries to fill it with. Strawberries are one of the recommendations of fillings. I picked them only a few days ago, so they should be really sweet. I pull out everything in mix it in a bowl. The first one I attempt has too much batter and gets burnt in some places, yet is undercooked in others By the 3rd try, I think I have he hang of it. Peeta walks downstairs just as I am starting thelast one. He smiles at me.

"Are you making crepes?" He asks, and looks at my work. "See, cooking isn't that hard, Katniss."

"Sure, but this is an easy recipe. What is it exactly, anyway? I just randomly grabbed something to make." The last crepe finishes and I flip it onto the plate.

"It is sort of like a pancake- oh a pancake? A pancake is like...well I don't know how to describe it. It is pretty much a thick crepe." He tells me, laughing. "Anyways, they are crepes in this place called France. I don't know what happened to it, but I remember it a bit from when we learned about before Panem. You can fill it with anything, or eat it alone."

"Hm. Interesting. Well, I know we have some strawberries. Do you just cut them and put them inside like its in a blanket?" I ask him.

"That is one way to eat it!" He replies, washing the strawberries as I begin to cut them. After that we fill them with strawberries and roll them up. They crepe is very sweet. I was right, it does cheer me up to think I actually made something without Peeta's help and it tasted alright. Peeta smiles at me and raves about how I did an amazing job and he is proud of me for finally cooking on my own. I cannot help but to cheer up when he chatters like this. I can almost disregard the inner turmoil I am feeling.

Soon after, it is time for Peeta to go. I do my best to not panic when he walks out the door. Luckily, he gave me words of encouragement before he left.

The phone rings and when I answer, I wish I hadn't. It is Doctor Poston.

"Hello, Mrs. Mellark. This is Doctor Poston calling. I hope you are feeling well. So, when are you wanting to plan your next doctors visit? Typically, during the first trimester, one visits monthly, but you can come earlier or later if you like."

"Uh, I don't know, Doctor. Sign me up for what you think is best." I tell him. We end up scheduling me for an appointment in a month. That is so soon. So soon that I have to face the facts, that I can not simply try to ignore it. I stand in the living room debating what actions to take next. I refuse to break down again. So I decide to head over to Haymitch's before Gale arrives.

I open the door, which is never locked, and am surprised to see Haymitch standing in the kitchen, without a bottle in his hand. I know that his has been much better about his drinking, but it still shocks me. I hand him the bowl of strawberries I brought for him.

"Hey, sweetheart. Haven't seen you in a while." He tells me. At first, I hated his nickname for me, but now it is just as normal as someone else calling me Katniss.

"Yeah, well I guess I have been busy. How have you been, Haymitch?" I ask him.

He sighs and tells me, "Just surviving, how about you, kiddo."

"I'm not sure. Just tired, I guess." I tell him, as I eat a strawberry. Suddenly, I feel extremely sick. The feeling is random and it strikes in my head as morning sickness. It seems early for symptoms, but I guess they can start whenever. Haymitch follows me down the hall as I shoot down it to get to the bathroom. My hair is already back in a braid, thankfully, because I am not sure if he would have held it back for me as I threw up. When I am finally done, I wash out my mouth and see Haymitch is still waiting in the hall.

"You okay, kiddo? Not pregnant, are you?" He says, laughing at his own joke. Until he sees the seriousness in my eyes.

**Disclaimer: I don't own hunger games, but I did write this.**


	6. Chapter 6

Haymitch and I stare at each other for what feels like forever.

Finally, he asks me if I have told Peeta.

"No. I am too scared to do this, Haymitch! How could I tell him?" I ask.

"Katniss, if there is one thing I know about you, is that you are a survivor. You don't think you can do this, but you can." He tells me. It is odd to see Haymitch so serious, especially when he is praising me. I think this is one of the few time he has shown the slightest affection towards me. Haymitch and I were similar in that aspect. It was hard for us to show affection to some people.

I smile up at Haymitch, but I am still doubtful and afraid, "But how do I tell him? I am afraid I will ruin it for him by myself being upset."

"You survived two games. You defeated the Capitol. You can do this." He tells me.

"Thanks, Haymitch." I say. "I guess I need to get home...Gale is coming to see me."

"Good luck." I hear him say as I walk out the door.

Shortly after I arrive home, there is a light knock on the door. _Am I ready for this?_Probably not, but like many other things, I have no choice. I answer the door and see my old friend standing on the porch. He is wearing an outift that reminds me of something someone would wear on Reaping Day. It is nice, but not too nice. The colors bland. I am almost hit with fear for the child within me on Reaping Day when I remember it doesn't exist anymore.

"Hey Catnip." He says.

"Hey." I respond opening up the door for him to come in. He walks inside and looks around. I decide we should stay clear of the kitchen. Although this is technically Peeta's home, not the one I had originally moved into, it is an exact replica of the one I kissed Gale at as he drifted in and out of a painful sleep. I wonder if he still remembers that. I am almost certain he does. I lead him into the living room and sit on one side of the couch and he sits on the opposite side. Our grey eyes meet and I am reminded of all our times together, so many years ago.

"So Katniss...what have you been up to?" He asks me.

"I guess just rebuilding my life. Nothing much really. I still hunt, Peeta still bakes. So I guess not much has changed."

"Is he...is he better?" He asks me. Instantly I understand. Is Peeta still partly hijacked.

"He is better, but sometimes he relapses. I don't think he likes me to know very much, and always wants be to leave, but you know me. I am stubborn." I say the last part in an effort to lighten the mood.

"That's true!" He chuckles. "Well, I am happy for you two."

"What about you, Gale?" I ask him.

"I have been working on my career alot lately. I met a girl. She reminds me of Madge. Do you remember Madge? Well, her name is Rhine. She lives in District 2. I think I might really love her."

"Of course I remember Madge. She was my only friends besides you. That's really great, Gale." I tell him. Although we both have a wall up, me more than him, I am happy I do not have to lie to Gale.

Again, I am hit with a random burst of nausea. I bolt up and head to the bathroom. This time, I really have nothing to throw up, so instead my body is painfully retching as it heaves up what is not there. I clean my mouth again and head out. Just like with Haymitch, Gale is waiting in the hall. He seems relieved that I am okay.

"Are you okay, Katniss? Are you sick?" He asks me.

"I'm fine, I guess I just ate something bad." I say. Just as I was beginning to be truthful with Gale, a lie is forced to come out. I isn't as if I really had a choice to lie this time though. I look up and see he is staring at me.

"What?" I demand.

"Nothing."

"Tell me!" I say, getting angry. I hate when people try to tell me nothing when I know there is something. Gale should know.

"Oh, Katniss. You haven't changed." He chuckles at me. I shoot him a glare which doesn't really help my case, but who cares. I am angry.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"I guess I am shocked to see you." He tells me. "So, Katniss, how are you? Really?"

What a loaded question. Obviously I cannot tell Gale, no matter how much i once trusted him, how I truly feel. I can't even tell my own husband, after all.

"I'm alright." Not a complete lie.

"I don't believe you, but okay. Well, I'm sorry I have to go so soon. Maybe I can come see you tomorrow? No, don't answer. I will probably come anyways. Bye, Catnip." He says, and walks out the door.

And I thought I was acting weird.

Disclaimer; Yeah, I dont own thg but whateves I can write fan fiction


	7. Chapter 7

I sit down at the kitchen table. I realize I am not good at making choices. I never have been. I decide to pick up the phone, and call my mother. It seems weird to me that I can tell other, yet I cannot tell the man who would want to know the most about my pregnancy.

My hands are shaky as I dial the number. It rings only a few times before I hear my mothers voice on the other end. Normally, I would not come to her with this. Even after all these years, our relationship has not been completely fixed. It is much better, but I am still hesistant for some reason. But this is her area- she would know information about this subject.

I can't remember many times when my mothers voice was this comforting.

"Mom? Hey Mom. Mom- I need to tell you something. I don't know how to say this mom." I manage quickly before I fall into another bout of tears. When did I become such a cry baby? Oh right, very recently.

"Katniss? Katniss honey, what's wrong?" She asks, and has to repeat a few times.

"I'm pregnant." I finally get out,

"Oh, Katniss, why are you crying? This is wonderful! Did you tell Peeta yet? What did he say? Katniss, why are you crying?"

"Because I am scared." I tell her. She understand. She lost her child. She stopped being a mother. She knows exactly why I never wanted to be a mother. She is the main reason I never wanted to be a mother.

"Katniss, don't worry. You are going to be a great mother. I understand you are afraid, but there is no need to be afraid. I am guessing this means you haven't told Peeta yet?

"I guess. And no, I haven't told him. I don't know how." I confess.

"Just tell him. If you get scared, think about how happy he is going to be. Do you want me to come down to 12?"

"Okay. And no, focus on your work. I love you. Bye!"

"Bye, my new little mother." She tells me before hanging up. I suppose she is right. I have nothing to fear. I can say it over and over, but everytime I close my eyes I do still fear. I think of my mother. If she survived all of this, I can too. I can for Peeta. He deserves that and more. I can tell him I am afraid, and he can help me. I remember something someone, somewhere once told me.

"Fears grow larger the more you try to hide them."

Maybe just talking about it will help me. I am relieved about my choice. My mother was right, I just need to think of how happy Peeta will be. I want to really surprise him, but I don't know what to do. I am not good with being creative and cutesy, so I guess I will just tell him. He will be happy enough with the news that no big presentation is needed. There are still a few hours before he is to arrive, and I am not sure I can keep up my choice. The more time I have to think about it, the more dangerous it is.

It is a confusing predicament I am in. On one hand, if I wait, I may lose my resolve. On the other hand, I do not feel ready to tell Peeta. I would go to the woods, but that doesn't feel right as I had just seen Gale there last night.

Oh, right. Gale is coming back later. I don't even knew when.

It seems like everytime something bad happens, other bad things have to follow. My life has never been easy, but I had finally put it back together, and now it is falling apart again. I guess it really shouldn't be, but I cannot control my emotions and my fears. I wish I could run from them, but of course, wherever I run , they follow because they are inside me. _It_is growing inside me.

I think back to the game I play on hard days. Every good thing someone has ever done.

_Thresh sparing me in the first games._

_Finnick saving Peeta in the second._

_Cinna helping me create an image that most likely was one reason I survived._

_Peeta's father making sure Prim was eating._

The list goes on and on. It has a calming effect. Remembering that even in the darkest moments, good exists helps me keep a grip on sanity.

I look at the clock again and see an entire hour has passed. Time really flys when you are stuck inside your head. More time passes, and finally Peeta comes home. I had gone ahead an cooked a small meal, nothing special. We settle in at the table. I stare at my plate as he asks me about my day.

"It was okay. Gale could only stop by for a moment. I don't know when he is coming back, but I guess tomorrow or something." I tell him, still staring at the plate.

"Katniss, is there something wrong? You seem upset," he says. This is it. I have to tell him now. I peek up quickly to see he is trying to figure out what is going on in my head. I don't even know what is going on in my head. I take a deep breath and try to find the words. They are like glue in my mouth. The stick there, not wanting to come out.

Finally, I spit them out, "I'm pregnant, Peeta." I tell him. When I look up he is still staring, his eyes full of shock as he processes this information. Why is he still staring? Isn't he going to say something.

"Real or Not Real?" He asks me. I can see this mix of emotions in his eyes, the hope, exciment, maybe even an edge of worry.

"Real," I tell him. At the sound of those words he bounds out of his chair and swoops me up.

**disclaimer, i is not be owning da hunga gamez**


	8. Chapter 8

I practically yell at him telling him to put me down, but he doesn't. He is still holding me as he kisses me. It is then when he sees my trembling. I want to kick myself for stealing his moment of joy.

"Katniss, are you okay? I'm sorry, I should have known." He says, still holding me in his arms. In answer I begin to sob once again, clutching his shirt in an effort to come back to reality. He sits on the couch in the living room while I let my emotions out to him. I cry until I am all cried out. I wonder what he is thinking of me right now. If he thinks I am pathetic. That I am just a scared child. Because that is all I really am. A selfish, scared, and scarred girl. I will never be able to fathom why he loves me.

Peeta smoothes my hair as I finally release my clutches on his shirt and look up to him.

"I'm so sorry. I'm just so scared." I tell him.

"Why are you sorry, Katniss?"

"Because I can't be happy with you. I have already held this from you so long and I am still doing it."

"You don't need to be sorry. You don't need to be afraid. The Capitol is gone, Katniss. No one can hurt us now. You know that, right? We are safe."

"Every one says that, but I can't help it. Every time I close my eyes, I am afraid of this. I don't want this. I don't want to be selfish, though. Oh, Peeta, I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm so sorry. I am a terrible person!" I say. I think I would be crying again, but I have no tears left. Instead, I am left with a hollow ache in my heart.

"You are not terrible, Katniss. I love you, and we are going to be okay. You have to let me help you brush away the fears." He says, and then kisses me. Just like always, it takes away the fear. When he is kissing me, I can close my eyes and not see children dying a hundred horrible deaths.

We spend the rest of the night as if it was any old night. I am glad he has dropped the subject for now.

Again, I wake up screaming. This time, though, Peeta understands. He holds me until I calm down. I am suddenly glad he knows because now I don't have to hide it from him. He knows what to say to comfort me now. His words are just enough to pull me back, like they always have been.

"Peeta, aren't you scared?" I ask him.

"No. I know we can make it all right. I'm only worried about you."

I sigh, wondering if I will be the only one who is terrified. I am the one who is terrified, and I am also has to carry this child around with me for 8 more months. Why couldn't that be Peeta's job? I am sure it would make him happy.

Looking into Peeta's eyes, an odd feeling hits me. He cannot hide his excitement, and suddenly I feel it too. For a spilt second, I am happy, and not just because I know I am making him happy. It passes quickly, but it is enough for me to hold into, at least for now.


	9. Chapter 9

Gale shows up the next day around noon. I suppose it is good he came later because now he won't get suspicious seeing me throw up again. He asks me if I am feeling better, and I lie to him. I suppose I have gotten a tad better at lying because he doesn't question it.

"Why did you come back? What are you expecting? Tell me so neither of us has to get hurt more than we already are." I say, breaking up the silence that had fallen onto us

"I don't know, Katniss. All I know is you can't just leave your best friend and never talk to them again in just a second. To many things were left unsaid. It doesn't feel right to just let it die. I thought maybe, maybe now we would have healed enough to talk."

I bite my lip as I consider his words. Right now isn't a very good time, but I don't think there will ever be a good time. He is right. We were best friends. We took care of each other, and it was all gone in a second. I have mostly healed from the death of my sister. Whenever I think of her, it no longer takes all my breath away, or at least not every time.

"That makes sense. Do you want to go to the woods?" I ask him. That should be more comfortable. That was our place. He nods and we walk silently to the place we once knew so well. We sit down on the rock where we once sat all those years ago.

"I never expected an outcome like this. Would you say the odds were in our favor?" He asks me.

"Sometimes, I think maybe it wasn't too bad because if it hadn't happened, then I probably would have never ended up with Peeta. That's on the good days, though."

He nods in understanding and I am brought back to when he told me he loved me. I wonder what would have happened if that slip wasn't pulled on Reaping Day. Would my walls have fallen for him? I remember swearing I would never have children. Look at me now.

"How about you?" I ask, snapping out of my thoughts.

"You know. The odds weren't in my favor, but now Panem is a much better place, thanks to you."

"All I did was hold out some berries. I'm not the one to thank."

"You gave the people a hope." He tells me. I always feel awkward when people act as if I am the one to praise for the rebellion. I wasn't even able to help on my own; I was just a piece in Coin's own little game. I just let people decide I made a difference. I am not the strong person they think I am.

After that, we decide to hunt a bit. We fall back into our old pattern easily. We are a team again. Silently working, yet knowing the others exact movements. For a moment, I almost feel like I am that 16 year old girl again. We manage to gather a wild turkey along with several squirrels, and take half of the loot to Greasy Sae. She insists on making us wait and eat some soup in return, and it really does feel like we are two kids again. Gale and Sae make some small talk before we head back to my home.

"Are you staying at your mothers house?" I ask him as we enter.

"Oh, no. They have some rooms in the Justice Building."

"Oh. When are you going back."

"Tomorrow." Tomorrow? That seems so soon. I can't say I'm sorry though. It was nice to be with Gale again, but I know we can never have what we once did.

"What are you going to do when you get home?" I ask him.

"Keep working, spend more time with Rhine, I guess." He tells me. I ask him to tell me about Rhine and he tells me that she is around our age, with long blonde hair and green eyes. The way he describes her looks reminds me of Glimmer. Apparently, Rhine is very down to earth for being from District 1. He tells me she is very special.

"Are you going to marry her?" I ask him.

"If she wants to marry me." He says.

"Well, do you think she loves you back?"

"I think so. She says she does, and I believe her, but I guess sometimes I still worry that she isn't really mine."

"I'm sure she does." I tell him. I am glad Gale has also been able to move on. Again we lapse into a silence, but it isn't as awkward as the previous ones. I suppose I am glad we spoke, but I will also be glad when he goes back to District 2.

After a while, Peeta returns and places a kiss on the top of my head before seeing Gale. They greet each other, and I can sense Gale feels uncomfortable now.

"Well, I guess I better be leaving, bye Katniss. It was great talking to you. Bye Peeta. Good luck to the both of you." He says, and walks out the door. Gone from my life once again.

We settle down, talk about our day, and carry on as if nothing has changed.


	10. Chapter 10

Another month has passed. I can see the excitement in Peeta's eyes. He tries not to bring it up, though. I think he can see it upsets me. The only thing keeping me from losing it is seeing that excitement in his eyes.

Peeta insists on going to my first official doctor's appointment, although I told him nothing special would happen. When we arrive, they take a lot of tests and ask a lot of questions. I sit like a good patient and answer all the questions for Peeta's sake. I tell him about my mood swings, and I can see Peeta snicker as he thinks about the time I began yelling at him out of nowhere. He thought it was very funny. I didn't. I tell him about the morning sickness which has really started to become all day sickness. Whoever named it obviously didn't know what they were talking about.

And then, Doctor Poston asks me if I want to hear the heartbeat. Already? I was only 10 weeks along by this time. I can see both Peeta and the doctor looking at me, waiting for an answer. I want to scream that of course I don't want to hear it. That proves that it is really there, that I have to face the fact I love another creature, and that it can be taken from me. Something still forces me to nod my head though.

I can hear it. The little beating of the child's heart. I immediately start crying. I am not sure if I am crying because I am scared or because I am happy. It is a mix of the two. Peeta is holding onto my hand, and I can see that he is getting teary eyed as well. It is like the sound of the mockingjays as they sung Rue's song. Beautiful yet frightening. Peeta places a kiss on top of my head. He is so happy. Seeing him like that gives me the hope again. He has always been my dandelion. Maybe I can do this, I decide.

After we leave, Peeta is beaming. He is trying very hard to conceal, but it is coming out of every pore. I think it must be contagious, because for the first time in a while, I want to be excited with him. I want to ignore the fear. I want it to disappear. So when Peeta asks me if I am happy, I tell him yes. I think it may be the truth.

We go to more appointments. We carry on. Occasionally, when he is very excited, I start to feel it as well. Mostly I just live off of his happiness. He gets excited at all the milestones. He holds me when I wake up screaming. Now that I am four months along, my stomach has begun to protrude which of course Peeta thinks is great. A good thing about it is that the morning sickness has mostly left. The doctor tells us that the baby is starting to be able to hear, and I can hear Peeta talking to it in the night when I am asleep. It is actually quite cute.

When we go to the 20 week appointment, I can tell this is the one Peeta is really excited for this one because we get to see if it will be a boy or a girl. The whole week before this appointment, I had terrible nightmares, but I have to admit I am a little excited to see as well.

As the doctor shows us our child, I have to grip Peeta's hand tightly to not scream. I do not want to see the face, the hands, the feet forming. I do not want to love this child. But for some reason, I already do, and that scares me. Once again, Peeta is beaming, waiting anxiously for the doctor to tell us the gender, and also whispering encouragement into my ear. I don't know what I would do if Peeta wasn't here. I would probably have run out screaming by now.

I don't speak when Doctor Poston asks if we want to know the gender, I just nod. I don't trust myself with words.

It's going to be a girl.

A plea immediately floods my head. _Please don't let her look like Prim. I couldn't take it. Please._ I beg to no one.

I stay silent as we leave, and as we walk home. Again, I can see how happy Peeta is, but this time, I am too scared to feel happy. What if she looks like Prim? How would I be able to handle such a thing? I would see my Prim, my lovely Prim bursting into flames every time I looked at her.

I can tell Peeta senses my discomfort because he holds my hand tightly, yet doesn't comment on the news. I am always stealing his joy.

When we arrive home, I decide to go upstairs and lay down before dinner. Peeta told me he would make something special before we left, so I guess that means it will take a while. He gives me a kiss before I head up the stairs. As I lay on the bed, I suddenly feel very strange. I brush it off as just having had too much news to deal with until it hits again. I am filled with shock as I realize what had just happened. Before I can fully process it, I am screaming. Peeta runs into the room, and picks me up off of the floor. I don't even remember when I got there. He rocks me back and forth as I cry. I haven't cried this hard in some time, but I haven't been this scared in a while either.

I finally manage to catch my breath and come back to reality, come back to Peeta. I wonder if this is anything like when he has his episodes. Being so afraid and confused that you just slip out of reality for a moment, only noticing a few things.

"What was it Katniss, What happened?" He asks.

"I don't know why it scared me so much, Peeta. She moved." I tell him. I see the happiness fill his eyes. Then he tries to retract it. He doesn't want to be happy while I am like this. I hate myself again for doing this to him.

"You were just caught off guard, its okay. Aren't you happy?"

"I want to be. I guess I am. I am happy when you are."

"You don't have to be scared. No one is going to take her."

"I know, but I can't help that my mind shows me all these things." I say. I don't want him to know just what it shows me because then he will picture it. That would not be good.

"They aren't real, Katniss. Just like when I get scared, and it isn't real."

That does make me feel better. Peeta would understand fear, even if he doesn't completely get mine. The trick is believing his words- believing it isn't real. This time when she moves, I do start to feel excited again. I take Peeta's hand and place it onto the growing bump created by my child. My daughter. Seeing Peeta's expression when she moves helps me get through the visions I see every time she stirs.

Peeta and I go back downstairs and he finishes cooking. He wouldn't tell me what he was making until it was done, and I am elated to find it is lamb stew. It even has the dried plums. I hadn't even told Peeta I had been craving it while pregnant, but he seems very happy when I tell him so. The food is amazing, and has a very calming effect.

I don't even wake up screaming that night.


	11. Chapter 11

**Welcome, Welcome. The time has come to- Oh wait, wrong story. This is Post Mocking Jay. I am going to go back and write what happened before this, but this part starts about when Katniss finds out she is pregnant. I am naming this post mockingjay since it will no be complete. I would have this on but it won't let me log on. Not sure why. When I post this with a new title, I am going back to before. I just am inspired for this part right now. **

**Anyways, here we go!**

I am a despicable person. I am selfish. I am terrible. Yet, I can do nothing about it. I could try, but what are actions without meaning behind them? Nothing. And this is an action that cannot be taken lightly. I cannot simply bring a child into this world. The thought is detestable to me, but Peeta wants children badly.

Of course, He tells me he doesn't now. After he realized how badly I feared even the idea, he stopped pressing the idea, but I know the truth.

I have never deserved Peeta. Not once in my life. Especially now that I cannot give him the one thing he has ever asked of me. Why did he have to ask this though? I think back to the days before the games. Even then I swore I would never have children.

Peeta told me not to worry. There are no Hunger Games, the Capitol is gone. What do I have to fear? I have so much to fear. I cannot bear to put someone through the pain I faced. I cannot bear to love another person- what if they were taken from me? There are too many what ifs, too many cons that outweight the pros.

I look over at Peeta as he bakes. I am sitting at the table in the kitchen. He looks back at me and smiles. I smile back at him. He always says that I have no idea the effect I can have, but I am certian the effect he has on me is much greater. Unfortunatley, that is not enough to break me of my selfish choices. I do not know how this man can bear to love me. He has for so long. He has loved me through everything. Always. And I love him too. But love means sacrifice, so I must not show love very well.

Suddenly the guilt of what I forbidden him from hits me. Peeta must see my discomfort because he is immediatly asking me what is wrong.

"I'm so sorry, Peeta!" I choke out through my sobs.

"What are you talking about, Katniss?" he askes me. Just like him. To act as if I am all innocent

"I'm sorry that I am so selfish! I cannot even give you the one thing you have wanted most!" I almost yell at him. It is easier to be angry than to be sad.

"I am still not following you..." He says, but I don't believe him. He knows exactly what I mean. But of course, this is Peeta we are talking about. I sigh at myself. Why am I trying to put fault on him? I am the despicable one here.

"If...if it is what you want, then I am ready. We can start a family." I state stoically.

His eyes widen at the prospect and I can see his exciment. It is cute, yet hits me with another round of guilt. "Only if you are ready, Katniss. We don't have to." He tells me. I can almost here the dissapointment edging his voice when he says that. He doesn't want to say it but, he does because he is Peeta Mellark. And for some reason it has taken me until now to realize he desreves this. No, that isn't right. It has taken me until now to stop being selfish.

"It's what I want," I say, but I almost want to pull them back. It is at that moment we smell the burning bread. Peeta dashes towards our oven, but it is too late and the bread has begun to turn black. In his exciment (and my fear), we have dismissed such a simple thing. He begins to laugh, and seeing him do so immediatly cheers me up. Sometimes a little comic relief is good, I think as a laugh along with him. As I see him holding the tray with burnt bread I am brought back to thoughts of another day.

"I love you, Peeta. Real." I tell him, and when he says it back, I accept I have made the right decision.

**DISCLAIMER: I am not Suzanne, I have no rights to this story.**


	12. Chapter 12

Peeta is gone when I wake up the next morning. I think he wanted to be alone for a while after last night. I look at my hand and sure enough, light purple marks line my hand.

I walk downstairs and see he left breakfast on the counter, and I eat it quickly. Luckily, he was smart enough to leave a lot; otherwise I would still be hungry. I sit down on the couch because I really having nothing else to do. Just then it hits me I haven't told Johanna or Annie I am pregnant. I am sure Peeta thought about it, but why didn't he remind me? I check the time and decide it is probably too early to call them. I feel guilty about not informing them. I'm sure Annie will be excited, as will Finn. Johanna will probably be excited as well, but like Haymitch, not admit it. I ponder if I should tell anyone else, but I would really prefer not to have the entire country trying to get into my personal life again. It is bad enough that the whole district knows. Imagine everyone's shock when I walked down the street with Peeta, my belly protruding. They didn't even pretend not to notice. Peeta probably tells everyone all the details.

I am startled by a knock on the door. Who could it be? I go to answer it and see Gale has returned to District 12. He looks shy standing on the porch.

"Gale? What are you doing here?" I ask him. He is staring at me. Actually, he is looking at my stomach. It has grown to be quite large. He seems shocked. I guess I wouldn't know what to say either, if the roles were reversed. Especially because that would mean Gale was pregnant. For some odd reason, I picture Gale standing there, pregnant and I laugh aloud.

"What?" he demands.

"I was just picturing our roles reversed, but then I realized that would mean you would have to be pregnant."

His face relaxes when I say that.

"But, Katniss. That's why I came here. I am pregnant." He tells me, as we laugh. It's nice to be able to laugh with him, even if it is mostly the laughter that comes only when you desperately need to laugh,

"You don't have to answer, but- I thought you never wanted children?" He asks me, getting serious. I don't remember ever telling him that I didn't want children, but perhaps it slipped out in one day in the woods.

"Peeta wanted children so badly." I tell him.

"But you didn't. Are you happy with it now, though?" He asks me. I ponder how to answer this as I open the door to let him in. He walks in, still waiting for my answer.

"No, I didn't. I don't know if I am happy now. I want to say so, but its still so…scary." I tell him. His eyes are locked onto mine. "Why are you here, Gale? You never said."

"I actually only dropped by to give you this." He says, handing me an envelope. "I have to go now. Congratulations, Katniss." He says, before leaving.

I open the envelope and begin to read the contents. It is a wedding invitation. Gale and Rhine are getting married. This makes me unusually happy. It shows that everyone can move on from his or her past and keep going on. They can be happy again. I find myself patting my stomach as I think these thoughts. Maybe it is possible to move on and be happy with this child. I am happy with this child, I guess. I am just not happy all the time, but perhaps I can survive. I have done so for 7 months, even if it wasn't easy. I still think that sometimes I won't be able to last the next two months, but I know I have to. I have no choice. I love this child. No matter how much I hate to admit it, I do.

A few moments later, I find myself dialing the number to call Johanna. I haven't spoken to her in way too long, I realize when I hear her voice.

"Took ya long enough to call me." She says. Just like her. I can't help but smile.

"I've been busy." I tell her.

"Oh, yeah? With what?"

"I'm pregnant." I say. She is silent for a long time. I explain to her why it took me so long to tell her, yet she remains silent. I know she is there because I can hear her breathing.

"So I guess this means I get to be an honorary aunt, huh?" She says after a too long silence.

"Yep. You get to be Auntie JoJo." I tell her, laughing.

"You disgust me, Katniss." She says, but I can tell she is happy. We talk for a while more. She tells me she is coming to stay for a few days a month after the baby is born. Of course, she says it isn't because she wants to see the baby. She says she is just sick of being at home all the time.

Next, I work on calling Annie. She is so excited. She happily tells Finn, who is also excited. I assure them that I will tell them everything the day my daughter is born, and she makes me promise. She also scolds me for waiting so long to inform her.

"You are going to be great parents." She tells me.

"Peeta will. I'm not so sure about myself."

"Oh, Katniss. Give yourself some credit for once. You will be a wonderful mother."

I decide it is best to not argue with her, and let her believe I agree. We say our goodbyes, and she promises her and Finn are coming soon after our daughter is born.

I feel better after telling my friends. They understand why it took me so long to get to a state where I was happy enough to tell them.

I only hope that this time, my feelings do not go up and down again. I think I remember my dad telling me about people calling their feelings a roller coaster. He said it meant their feelings went up and down all the time. I don't really know what a roller coaster is, but I wish I wouldn't act like one anymore.

When Peeta returns, he seems to be feeling better than last night. I send him a glare and he is very confused.

"You didn't remind me to tell Johanna and Annie! Peeta, how could you let me forget to tell them!" I say.

He laughs at me. "I sort of forgot myself, what with all the excitement! Did you tell them?"

"Yes. They are upset with me for not telling me early. But they are happy."

"Are you?"

"I think so."

"Are you still scared?"

"Yes, but it is better."

"It's going to be okay, you know that, right?"

"I know."

"Gale stopped by the bakery today."

"He came here too. He was rather shocked, I must say." I tell him, pointing to my baby bump. Not that bump was really the right word. More like baby mountain.

"Yes, he told me."

"What did he want?" I ask him. Gale had already come here, why did he need to go see Peeta as well? They had barely ever spoken.

Peeta shrugs and tells me that he just came by to get some bread. I hand him the invitation and tell him that it was the reason he came to see me.

"Do you want to go?" He asks.

"Not really. We wouldn't be able to anyways. Look at the date. Its right around the due date." I say, even though there are three or four weeks in between. Peeta nods.

He is coming to kiss me when he grabs my hand. I quickly jerk it away from him, which causes him to be suspicious. He grabs it again and sees the marks he left. Dread fills his blue eyes. He looks away, ashamed.

"Stop it, Peeta." I tell him. He doesn't respond. I know what he is thinking though. The fear is in him too. He feels it now. I want to rip it away from him. This is what he wants. He needs to be happy. I need him to be happy. He still won't look at me, so I grab his face and force him too. He shuts his eyes tightly in protest.

"Look at me, Peeta. No, Look me in the eyes. I want you to stop feeling bad about this. You always come back to me. You promised that, remember? Always. If I can survive this, so can you. So stop. Got it?" He nods, but looks down again. So I kiss him hard on the lips. My hands are cupping his face. He grabs my hands as if he is going to remove them, but then decides differently and kisses me back.

"I'm sorry. I love you," he whispers after pulling away.

"And I love you."

Peeta must dismiss his fears because after that he comes back to me in his cheery way. He has always had an amazing ability to let go of whatever pent up emotions he holds. I need to get him to teach me.

Later he shows me a box of baby clothes that came in. I don't really want to look at them. I have never been into clothes, but baby clothes? Why did it matter what they wore? I poke through the box anyways, to appease Peeta. I think he is excited to finish the nursery so we can put them away. He has been working really hard on it, but I have no clue what's going on. He has been very secretive about the whole thing. I am not allowed to look at the packages that arrive at our door. I don't even have to pretend to be excited to see it. Seeing Peeta work so hard on something makes me excited for it,

Time goes on, as it always does. Though I tried to will it not to be so, I am still one of those roller coasters. There has always been good and bad days, but it seems even more intense these last few weeks.

Sorry for my lack of updates- we have had some family emergencies and everything has been crazy, but I am back, I think, ahaha. Anyways, now I am writing a different version of this story- in Peeta's pov (different course of events though) I'm also writing THG in Clove's point of view because I ship Clato! :D Besides Peeniss, or Everlark or whatever you choose to call it, who else do you guys ship? I ship Clato and Gadge.


	13. Chapter 13

Peeta is very happy to tell me that the room is done. He leads me to the room, making me promise to close my eyes. I hear him open the door and wait until he tells me to open my eyes.

When I am done, I see he has been working extremely hard. The plain room with beige walls has turned into a room fit for a princess. The walls are bubblegum pink, which I never really like, but it suits the room. A white crib sits on one wall with the word "Always" painted above it in a fancy font. Books line the shelves Peeta installed on the wall. A rocking chair sits beneath them. A white dresser is waiting to be filled. It is perfect to me. Perfect for our daughter. I let out a happy sigh. It is going to be for our daughter. She will be Peeta's and mine. He is looking at me expectantly.

"Oh, Peeta! I love it!" I tell him, and I really do.

"Really?"

"Yes. It is beautiful. Thank you." I say and plant a kiss on his lips. It feels so right in this moment. Kissing Peeta. Standing in our daughter's future room. She kicks me as if she agrees. I gasp slightly and laugh.

"She likes it too." I tell him. He places a hand on the newly dubbed baby mountain and tells her that he loves her. At times like these, I begin to believe we are a normal family. I believe it will be okay. At times like these, I allow myself to be excited. I do not let the fear control me.

"You are happy. Real or Not Real?" He asks me. We haven't played this game in so long. It feels odd hearing him say it.

I bite my lip, unsure of the answer. I am happy right now, but I still can feel the edge of fear threatening to take it away. As I look into Peeta's eyes, I tell him, "Real."

I think it might be the truth.

Peeta and I move the clothes into to dresser, but he makes me sit down before we even get halfway done. I protest, but Peeta reminds me that I am in fact eight months pregnant. I watch as he goes to work putting all the girl outfits away. They look so small in his hand. Seeing him do this, I can picture him holding our daughter. He hands so sure as he comforts her as she cries. I only hope I can be half the parent Peeta is going to be.

The next day Peeta brings home a book of baby names. We go back and forth picking out names, but mostly we choose silly ones, that sound like something the Capitol would have named their children. I decide I want to name her something with meaning, not that it was ever a question. I put the book down.

"I think when we see her, we will know what to call her." I say.

"I think so too." He agrees with a smile.

**A/N: Sorry for the long time in between updates- it'll get closer together, I promise.**

**Also, check out my new story!**


	14. Chapter 14

It feels so good to hug my mother. She just arrived on the train. She came a week before the baby is due, and is going to help deliver her. At first it felt awkward to be in her arms, but then I realized how much I had missed her.

We walk quickly to the house. I can tell she doesn't like being back in District 12. Peeta is happy to have her here. He excitedly shows her the nursery, which she loves. I think she is happy that I wanted her to be the one the help me, and that I didn't just choose some random doctor. I ask her to braid my hair. It is the first time she has touched it in so long, and it feels so nice. I remember her braiding it the morning before the Reaping all those years ago. When she finishes, Peeta tells me I look beautiful.

"No, I look fat." It's true. Being pregnant has made me look awful. Not only did I still have scars from the fire that consumed everything I had loved, but now they were stretched out. The small patches of pink looked disgusting enlarged. Large stretch marks covered my stomach and thighs as well. I had gained weight all over.

"No, you are beautiful. You are glowing." He tells me. I roll my eyes. It is his job to tell me I look beautiful. He is my husband, after all. But that night, when I look in the mirror, I ignore all the nasty scars and marks left on my skin. I see what he means. I blush even though I am alone.

My mom has gone to bed in one of the spare rooms. We have plenty of those. When I come back into the room, Peeta is staring at me.

"What?" I demand of him.

Like anytime I ask this question, he chuckles at me. "I'm just happy. Aren't you?"

"No." I say to him, scowling, since he laughed at me.

"Liar."

"Whatever," I say, climbing in bed next to him.

"I love you." We tell each other as we fall asleep.

When I wake up, Peeta is still asleep. He stirs when I sit up. Then he sits up and looks at me, still all smiley. I scowl at him, and he grabs my face and kisses me.

"Don't do that!" I tell him, as I kiss him back.

"Why not?" He says, as he places kisses on my neck.

"Because I said so." I tell him, leaning in for another kiss. He laughs at me. He likes to do that for some reason.

"Do you want me to bring you breakfast in bed?"

"No. I am pregnant, not disabled." Again, he laughs at me as we get up and head downstairs. I sit at the table as he prepares some biscuits. I love watching him bake. He seems so focused when he does. A few minutes later, my mother walks down the stairs. We all make cheery talk.

I stand up to clear the table when we finish, but Peeta stops me.

"What are you doing?"

"Clearing the table. Like I said, Peeta, I am pregnant, not disabled."

"I'll get it. Sit down."

I am about to argue when my water breaks. I think I may have passed out for a moment because one second I am arguing with him about plates and the next I am in his arms feeling quite disgusting.

My mother flies into action. She leads me upstairs, instructing Peeta to make ice chips and come up stairs immediately after to see if he needs to go ahead and boil the water. He nods speechless and follows her instructions. I am suddenly glad I opted for a home birth because the idea of having to go all the way to the hospital right now is terrifying. My mother half carries me-she is stronger than I thought- to one of the many rooms. I don't even see which room, but I remember we had already chosen the room at the end of the hall. Birthing a child in the room I normally sleep in seemed odd to me, so I told them I wanted to have her here.

Peeta dashes into the room minutes later with a bowl full of crushed ice that my mother tells me to eat. She says it will wake the baby up and help with the birth. Peeta is nervously pacing the room and my mother sends him on some tasks only we know our pointless. I realize how lucky I am my mom is already here, and we had already gotten set up.

"Mom, isn't this so early? Is that okay?" I ask her.

"People have babies before and after their due dates all the time, Katniss. You were two weeks early! You better be glad this little miss decided to wait, or you would be rushing to a hospital right now, and I'm not sure if they wouldn't tell all of Panem."

Her words are comforting, and I watch as she sets things up. I take deep breathes until the terrible pain hits my body. I cry out.

"You never had Braxton Hicks, I take it?" She asks me.

"What are those?"

"Katniss, for being pregnant, you don't seem to know too much about it. Its fake contractions."

"Oh. I forgot. I did, but it wasn't that bad." I tell her. I feel stupid for not knowing the name. She is right; I am rather unknowing. Peeta comes back into to the room making sure I am okay and we have everything we need. He has never acted like this before, and it is kind of funny. I swear, when the next contraction hits, he acts as if I am dying.

The day passes slowly. Peeta paces, my mom sends him on tasks, I read, try to sleep a bit, and try to ignore the pain that gets closer together every hour.

After about 12 hours of this, my mom tells me it is time. Peeta tightly holds my hand as try to convince myself I am not making a terrible mistake. I do not want her to come out into this world. It is better, but it is still so imperfect. I do not want her to have to see it, to live it, to be taken away from me. I want her to say apart of me.

When the next stroke of pain hits, my mother urges me to push. I grit my teeth tightly, but it doesn't stop the scream of pain coming from my mouth. I think I am squeezing Peeta's hand so tight it will fall off and I think back to a few weeks ago when his own grip bruised mine. The bruises had faded quickly, but he looked sick every single time he saw them. Moments later, my child is born. Even though the worst pain is over, the pain of fear is attacking me. I want to scream still, until my mother place her in my arms.

She is so beautiful, even in her freshly born and dirty state. She is mine. She is Peeta's. I love her more than I thought possible. Peeta and I are both crying. He tells me he thinks we should name her Lily. He says it means, "the return of hope." I think it is perfect. I almost want to yell at mother when she takes her from me, but I know that she must clean her and check on her. She leaves the room for a moment to carry on with those tasks. Peeta and I lock eyes.

"She is perfect. She is so perfect." That is all I can say. He kisses me and I rest my forehead on his. My mother brings my beautiful Lily back in and we tell her the name. She thinks it is perfect as well. She helps me feed her, and after that, Peeta holds her. He looks so happy, and I am happy I finally gave him this happiness.


	15. Chapter 15

"She's going to hate you, you know. And she'll be fat. I can tell."

I shake my head at Johanna, who is holding Lily. She was silent for several moments, and of course, her first words had to be something rude. That's Johanna.

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

"Because you're going to be overprotective, and she'll hate you for it. Not really hate you of course, but she'll like Peeta better. Every one does. And Peeta? Peeta's going to give her every sweet she wants."

"That's not true!" I tell her, even if she's probably mostly right.

"It is. Admit it."

I sigh, letting her win. She smiles at her triumph, although her eyes haven't once left Lily's face. Lily's don't leave hers either. Their gazes are locked onto each other.

"She likes you," I say. Johanna makes a face.

"She's just not used to brown eyes," she mutters, referring to her own brown eyes. Her hair isn't the short and spiky mess it once had been, nor was it the light fuzz from when she was rescued from the Capitol. Instead, it was an auburn color, flowing to her shoulders in soft waves. With her hair like this, she looked much nicer and softer. It suited her, even if Johanna rarely showed her soft side. Lily softly cooed in her hands, the sounds she makes as she drifts off into her dreams. I could tell Johanna was trying to suppress a smile but failing.

"You like her too," I point out. She opens her mouth as if to say a Johanna-esque remark, but she seems to struggle with the words. She can't get them out, so she just nods slightly, as if she can't admit it. I understand. We're both afraid to love. Johanna has had it even worse than me. The only time she told me anything about her life was when Peeta and I asked her for help on our memory book. After that, she got up and left, and we didn't hear from her for a long time.

I can't say I'm too shocked when she quickly places Lily back into my arms and runs upstairs.

I let her be because I know that's what she would want. She will come back down when she's ready.

She does, about an hour later, and sits next to me on the couch. I ignore the slight puffiness and tinge of red to her eyes.

"How did you do it, Katniss? After everything…" she whispers, her eyes boring into me, looking for an answer.

"I don't know," I mutter, "I had to. I had to for Peeta."

"But were you ready?"

"I never would have been really ready. I just wanted to do it, to give something back to Peeta that he wanted. I didn't want to be selfish.'

Johanna stays quiet as if she's trying to work something out in her head. She then shakes her head, as if she doesn't understand.

"You're stronger than I thought," Johanna whispers, placing her hand on top of mine.

"You're strong, too, Johanna," I tell her, squeezing her hand slightly. She manages a weak smile. We talk about other things after that, things that don't bring back terrible memories, but things that lighten the mood. She even laughs a real laugh a few times.

Peeta comes home shortly after Lily wakes up. I think she plans her sleeping schedule around him, to be honest. She is awake as much as possible when he is home. Both of their eyes light up when the see the other one, causing them to match even more.

Johanna and I sit at the table while Peeta makes dinner. Normally, I would help him, but he has been trying to do everything for me lately. It's adorable and annoying at the same time.

"I heard you and Gale are talking again," Johanna says quietly. I'm taken aback at first.

"We've talked…how did you know?"

"He told me."

I almost choke on my food. "You and _Gale?_" I look to Peeta, but he seems shocked as well.

"So, that's why he came to talk to me. You told him to," I say, realizing.

Johanna shrugs, which tells me the answer is yes.

"I knew it didn't make any sense for him to just suddenly decide to talk to me…" I mutter. "But how did this…you guys…happen?"

"I don't know. He travels a lot with his job. We started talking," she tells me.

I don't know how I feel about this. Obviously, I own no claim to Gale anymore. That's not even really the problem. I feel odd that the only reason my once best friend came to see me was because someone else convinced him to. Not because he wanted to see me. I notice Peeta studying my face, trying to assess how I will react. So, I push back all my feelings, plaster on a smile, and try to forget it.

Johanna leaves that night with a promise she'll be back soon. As soon as she is gone, Peeta turns to me.

"Gale and Johanna? I would have never guessed that."

"I would have never seen Johanna with anyone, except maybe herself. She loves herself a lot," I say, attempting at a joke.

"Are you okay, Katniss?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because I know how you still feel about Gale, and-"

"I don't feel anything towards Gale, Peeta," I tell him, cutting him off. While its true I don't feel the way I once did over Gale, he was once my best friend. You don't drop those feelings out of the blue. He smiles at me, and then places a kiss on top of my head. He does the same to Lily.

"How did I get so lucky with two beautiful girls?"

"I'm the lucky one."

"So when do you plan on telling me what's bothering you?" I shoot him a look, but then I just sigh, not feeling like pretending.

"I'll be fine," I assure him. He rolls his eyes.

"Here, let's put Lily to bed, she's falling asleep anyways, and then will you talk to me?" He proposes. I nod and take Lily upstairs. Once she is asleep, I am reluctant to leave. I never like leaving her side, but Peeta is standing in the doorway, waiting for me. Once we are settled on the couch, he pulls me into his lap.

"Now tell me," he starts.

"It's nothing really."

"Katniss…"

"Fine. I'm mad. I'm mad the only reason my once best friend decided to talk to me was because someone told him to." I admit. "I thought he came back because he missed me. I was wrong, I guess."

"He was probably just nervous and scared. He needed the push."

"I guess you're right."

"Aren't I always?"

"Yes." I say, placing a kiss on his lips. It might as well be true, even if he was joking. Peeta always knows what to say. He always brings back hope into the murkiness I sometimes slip into. I feel him smile before he deepens the kiss. Gale is the farthest thing from my mind.

Annie arrives the next week, with Finn. Finn was able to come all week because the children are on the Spring Break. Even though it had only be a while since I last saw Finn, he has grown so much. He is much like is father, with his eyes, and his personality. I wonder what it must be like, being the only person who can keep their mother sane. I glance at Peeta, thinking he must know. He's the only one who can keep me sane.

Annie cradles and coos at Lily immediately. Finn acts like a teenager and pretends to be uninterested at first, but he quickly lets it fade. Lily is much like Peeta in the fact they can earn someone's love in a matter of seconds. I'm glad she's more like Peeta. I wouldn't want her to be like me.

Annie and I spend all our time together, but I think Peeta is happy to have another boy in the house, even if he's much younger.

Lily takes to everyone so quickly. Even in her infant state, I can tell she will love fiercely. I suppose that is one trait of my own I won't mind her having.

I expected things to feel a little more empty after all our company left, but really, it was nice to be alone with Peeta and Lily. I cherish each moment we spend together. I make sure I will remember the way Peeta smiles at her and the way she lights up at the simple sound of our voices.

Sometimes I forget the beauty of life. Sometimes I forget how Peeta reminded me all those years ago. I only hope I will never forget again, I think, as I gaze down at my perfect daughter.


	16. Chapter 16

There he is once more standing in front of me. Those gray eyes that match my own. I had only opened the door because I thought Delly had just arrived early. She was supposed to be coming for dinner tonight. I should have expected this since a passenger train had arrived today from District 2, but I never really think ahead.

He must notice the anger I feel, because he asks me what's wrong.

"You lied to me," I tell him.

"What?" He questions, but I can tell he knows.

"About that girl. About why you came to see me. You lied."

"I'm sorry, Katniss, I can explain."

"I don't what an explanation, Gale! I thought, I thought maybe just maybe my friend wanted to see me, but no, he did it to please his girlfriend and then lied about it all to me!" I shout. A few people glance our way, as I am still standing on the porch. Luckily Victor's Village is still mostly vacant.

"Katniss, I just didn't know what to say…"

"More lies, I presume. I think you should go, Gale. And not come back. Not next week, not in another 15 years. Just don't come back. Leave my family alone." I spit. I am about to walk back in the house when I hear him mutter something.

"You could've come to see me, too." I stalk right up to him and slap him across the face. My hand stings in a satisfactory way. He looks shocked, and his hand flies to where a new red mark is forming.

"Are you an _idiot_, Gale? Did you really forget?" my voice is rising to hysteria in my anger, "I _can't_ leave! I've been stuck in the godforsaken place. I couldn't run away like you did. I had to face the facts!"

He looks completely taken aback. It makes me want to slap him again. He puts his hands up and opens his mouth as if he is about to say something. I cut him off by telling him I don't want to see him again.

Then, before the hot tears began to pour, I run inside and slam the door.

I soft cry comes from upstairs and I silently curse myself for waking Lily up. _Push the thoughts away; push the thought away, _I chant to myself. It's a task I have mastered.

I make my way upstairs to pick her up and peer out the window. Gale is sitting right outside Victor's Village. For some reason this makes me even angrier.

Even if I had never known Delly as a child, she really grew on me. Of course, I had to love her because she helped Peeta back in District 13. She was sweet, and I liked that Peeta had once piece of his old life to hold onto. Delly had moved to another district, but then moved back when she got married a few years back. This week, her husband was away on business and Peeta didn't like the idea of her being all alone for so long, plus, Delly had really loved meeting Lily, so Peeta invited her over.

I took Lily downstairs and played a game with her that Peeta had remembered. It was called, "Peek-a-boo", which sounded stupid to me, but Lily loved it. It was also really funny to watch Peeta play it. Lily cooed and made little squeals of excitement.

When Peeta walks in the door, the game is lost because she is now excited to see him. I'm excited too. I hug him tightly around his waist, loving that I know when Peeta came back to me, it was because he wanted to, and it wasn't full of lies. He gives me a one armed hug back, and places a kiss on the top of my head.

"You act as you haven't seen me in forever," he says laughing.

"I missed you!"

"You always miss me when someone makes you mad, huh?'

I shoot him a glare, but then shake my head and laugh along. "It reminds me of how wonderful you are, though."

"Ah, I see, you're wondering if I brought home cheese buns."

"What? No! Well, maybe just a little."

He chuckles at me and lays Lily down in her little moveable bed we keep downstairs. We walk into the kitchen to start working on the dinner. Peeta had to stop by the butcher on the way home since I haven't gotten back out hunting yet. I would probably leave Lily with Haymitch later, but right now, he isn't capable of handling a baby, or anything really. Hazelle has been helping him sober out. He claims it was just time to, but I knew the real reason. I had been over several times to encourage him, but his state was terrible as he chose to quit cold turkey. I suppose he had practice in 13, but this was permanent.

"You know how you said I had no idea the effect I can have? And you certainly don't know the effect you can have…well Lily got that, I can tell. She changes people and she's three months old," I say, thinking about the way everyone looks at her and how Haymitch is changing.

"And I'm sorry it took me so long to understand. I just didn't get why you would want to bring a child into this world, but I understand now. If I forget, you'll always remind me, right?"

"It's okay Katniss. You won't forget. But if you do, I'll remind you. Always. And you, you'll make sure I remember too, won't you?" His eyes are suddenly sad, but I understand why. He's afraid of forgetting in a different way than I am.

"You won't forget, either. You're stronger than I am."

"Just promise me."

"I promise."

Once I promise him he looks relieved. I don't want to think about the alternatives if he does forget, and falls back into the flashbacks, but I know Peeta would be strong enough to fight it off. Maybe I can be strong enough, too.

Delly arrives just as we finish up. I stay silent most of the time, glad both Peeta and Delly are good at carrying on conversations.

Once she is out the door, we put Lily down to sleep. After that, Peeta turns to me.

"I figured you didn't want to have our conversation interrupted my her arrival, so now tell me. What happened?" He asks.

"What do you mean?" I ask, knowing perfectly well what he means. _Push the thoughts away.._

"Katniss, you're funny." He says, not amused.

"I crack myself up," I mutter sarcastically.

"No actually, you are," he decides, "when ever you're mad you're either really nice or mean to me. You can never choose."

I mentally kick myself for being rude to Peeta when he had done nothing wrong to me.

"I'm sorry, I'm just upset about earlier."

"I know, that's why I asked what happened."

"Well, did you see him?"

"Yes, and I kindly asked him to leave."

"Well thank you, dear."

"Oh, you're nice again." I shoot him a glare. "Never mind," he says with a grin. Another glare. "Now, tell me or, well I don't know. Just tell me."

I sigh and try to gather all my thoughts. Part of me knows I am overreacting, but I can't really help how upset I am. I don't bother trying to push the thoughts away anymore. Instead, I tell Peeta everything. I don't even bother trying to suppress the hot tears rolling down my cheeks. Peeta wipes them away while he carefully listens.

He's silent for a moment when I finish.

"Maybe you should give him a chance to explain."

"_What?_" I practically hiss.  
>"I said maybe you should-"<p>

"I heard what you said. I don't agree."

"But maybe when you aren't as angry…"

"I don't want to hear him out. Ever."

"No one's making you, I just thought…"

"I get it," I say, my tone harsher than I meant.

"I understand why you're upset, you have every right to be, but maybe you should still hear him out."

"Why?'

"Because you still care about him."

"No, I don't. I care about the Gale I used to know."

"And you think he's not there at all anymore?"

"My friend wouldn't have lied to me."

Peeta is silent again. He knows I am right. Gale never lied to me, even if the truth hurt. I didn't know the man standing in front of me. 15 years changes people.

"I should have expected this." I mutter.

"You would have regretted not talking to him."

"You're right."

"Like always," he jokes.

"Precisely," I add, shifting myself into his arms. He plays with a few pieces of my hair and hums softly. I slowly drift to sleep on the couch, in Peeta's arms.

**A/N: Wow, I am so touched by all the reviews. My e-mail inbox is full of you guys putting alerts on and such, it makes me feel great. Thanks so much. I found it funny no one mentioned Rhine, the girl Gale talked about in the earlier chapters. I was thinking I'd have to just silently laugh at your confusion, but no one remembered her. I almost forgot her myself before I planned this. Tehe.**


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